Tossed

Some days are harder than others.  Fourteen years ago on this day, I was waking up at the Benson next to my husband, the man I thought I'd live out the rest of my days with, in anticipation of our honeymoon.  Three years ago I was anticipating his return from deployment, not knowing what the future would hold for us, completely unaware of the fact that in a little over a week the world as I knew it would shatter into tiny pieces. 

Today was to be the day I was to begin closing this chapter, the day I went to court for my dissolution of marriage.  Such an inadequate term for all it encompasses.  Marriages do not magically dissolve, especially when children are involved.  The water of years will never wash away the traces.  But by the grace of God my heart had been prepared for the coming waves and I was poised to welcome them.  

The wave that hit was not what I'd expected.  Yesterday I was informed that my hearing had been cancelled because they did not have a judge to oversee the proceedings.  I wasn't prepared for it but apparently it's quite common for this to happen.  Before I could regain my footing, the next wave crashed:  The hearing will likely be pushed to December.  It's that feeling when you are wading in the ocean.  Having just been bowled over by one wave you turn toward shore only to have an even bigger wave crash and overtake you.  The next thing you know, you're tumbling end over end, mouth and lungs full of saltwater, unsure of which way is up.  

Today was my chance at smooth sailing. I have a hunch I would've been the only one to show up in court and while it may seem hard-hearted it was exactly what I was hoping for.  It would have made it all so much simpler.  Now it seems I'm back at square one.  I've been sent to the back of the line by no fault of my own and there's nothing to do but wait.  I will be lucky to have a court date before Christmas and luckier still to stay afloat financially until then.  

The sixth amendment grants the right for a speedy trial . . . to accused criminals.  Criminal proceedings!  How much more expedient, then, should be proceedings involving the welfare of children?  That's really what all of this is about.  I filed for divorce over a year ago because other than about $200 (I'm being generous), I received no financial support for the two previous years of my separation.  That was the bottom line, I needed help providing for OUR children.  And here I sit, still at his mercy to make ends meet.  

I am not bitter or angry or resentful.  I am frightened.  The most difficult times in life are when we face the unknown.  I'm still reeling from that second wave, frantically swimming toward the sunlight, unsure if I can continue to hold my breath.  I have to try and hope that next time I'm ready for the waves no matter how big they are.